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Opposites Attack/Script
is talking to his friends as they walk through the mall. Jonesy: "...and I got it." Nikki: "What are you rambling about? You're a secretary at a travel agency." Jonesy: "A secretary? I'm a call center representative." Jen: "I've never seen you this excited about work before, Jonesy." Jonesy: "A, my desk has a giant LCD screen, and c, they have high-speed internet." Wyatt: "Which means b, you don't actually have to do any real work." Jonesy: "I get paid to play video games all day!" and Jude hi-five. They come upon Jonesy's workplace. A girl is already inside. Jonesy: "Hey, that must be my co-worker." her hand "I'm Jonesy, the new guy." Joanie: "Hey. My name's Joanie." takes a seat. His friends walk up to Joanie. "Can the new guy help you?" Caitlin: "We're just here to wish Jonesy good luck on his first day." Joanie: "Doesn't need luck. We get paid to play video games all day." Jonesy: "I just told them the same thing!" Joanie: Jonesy "What's wrong with your friends?" and Wyatt are staring at her. Jude: "You're pretty." girls roll their eyes. A call comes in, but Joanie ignores it. Jonesy: "Aren't you gonna answer that?" crumples up her finished cup of soda and tosses it into the trash. Joanie: "Woohoo! Three points!" to upstage her, Jonesy also makes an attempt. His misses. Joanie: "What do you think you're doing? You have work to do!" a beat "On your free throw shot!" hands him a travel brochure, and Jonesy begins practicing. Jonesy: "Ahhaha! I like your style!" and Joanie toss brochures at the trash. All of them miss. Nikki: watching "Look, Jonesy's got a new playmate. Isn't that sweet." Jude: "She's not sweet. She's smokin'!" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Opposites Attack' ---- ''girls walk up to the Khaki Barn. Jen: "I don't think I've ever seen Jonesy so happy in a job." Nikki: "Well, he seems to be getting along great with that Joanie girl." Caitlin: "Wow, Nikki! I'm totally impressed by your self-control!" Nikki: "You've lost me." Caitlin: "You don't sound jealous at all that Jonesy is working with that–" Jude: past "Smoking hottie!" control "Whoa!" crashes into something. "Ow!" Nikki: "Jealous? Please. I'm happy that Jonesy's finally found his dream job." girls walk inside and bump into Jen's older sister. Jen: "Courtney!" happily "What are you doing here?" Courtney: "I'm just in town to run some errands. Don't tell Mom, or I'll get roped into a big family thing." Jen: winking "My lips are sealed." Courtney: "Hey Caitlin. You're just as pretty as I remember." Caitlin: "Thanks, Courtney!" Courtney: Nikki "And you're, uh, fun too, Nikki." Nikki: "Nice to see you too, Courtney." Courtney: "I gotta go. Bye!" Caitlin: "Bye!" leaves. Jen: "Me too, my shift starts in five. Sorry about the drive-by Courtneying." Caitlin: "I thought she was lovely." Nikki: "You would." leaves. Chrissy: "Omigosh, it's the cutest ever! Mohair mini-sweater dresses!" The Clones: "EEEEEE!" Kirsten: at Nikki "They wouldn't look good on you, Nikki, you're too big-boned for mohair." Nikki: "I'm gonna introduce you to my fist bone if you don't quit your cackling!" Clones gasp and rush away from Nikki. ---- has made it to the Penalty Box. Coach Halder: "Masterson! We kick off in five minutes, and you waltz right in here like it's a halftime show!" Jen: "I'm right on time, Coach." Coach Halder: "Save your excuses! By the way, where do we keep the ping pong paddles?" Jen: "In the ping pong paddle aisle? Bottom shelf." Coach Halder: "I don't know where anything is around here! We need a storewide inventory, pronto! And you're team captain! Thanks for volunteering." Jen: "Yes. Coach." walks over to Jude, who is looking at skateboards. "I hate inventory! Counting every sports sock, every golf ball–it's so mind-numbingly boring!" Jude: "I love mind-numbing. One day, I counted every single blade of grass on my front lawn." Jen: "O-kay." Jude: "But I lost count after eight hundred and seventy-five thousand when I went to take a pee and forgot to mark my spot where I left off. So, I started again." Jen: "That's great, Jude. Sounds like you'd be great for inventory. How about it?" Jude: "Sure, bra." Jen: "Great! Now all I have to do is convince Coach." ---- walks into Burger McFlipster's and has a seat at the counter, where Wyatt is working. Jonesy: "Hey Wyatt. I'm on my second break." Wyatt: "But you only started work an hour ago." Jonesy: "I know! My new job rocks! Give me two orders of chicken fingers." walks into work and has a bite of the chicken fingers off of the plate Wyatt is eating from. Joanie: "Studies show that eating spicy chicken fingers improves employee performance." Wyatt: "Ozh...me...ahh." Joanie: "Is he slow?" Jonesy: "Slow with the chicken fingers? Yes." quickly gives Jonesy and Joanie their orders. The two walk out and Wyatt sighs. Suddenly, a spitball slams into his eye. Wyatt: "AAAH!" Joanie: "Yes! I totally nailed that one!" Jonesy: "You are a true artiste." and Joanie walk away laughing. Wyatt sighs. ---- drives by the table with Pokey the Panda sitting in the back under arrest. Jonesy: "Joanie has the best ideas. And not for saving the planet or anything! Fun stuff, like water balloons!" Nikki: annoyed "Yeah. She's a real giver." Wyatt: "I become this babbling idiot whenever Joanie's around!" Jonesy: "No, you think?" Wyatt: "She's just so smoking hot!" looks at him angrily. Caitlin: "You're never gonna guess who we ran into today!" Jonesy: "You should hear Joanie's belch! It's louder than this!" belches. A louder belch comes from behind him. Joanie: "Jonesmiester." Jonesy: "Jonesmiester." Caitlin: annoyed "Go ahead! Guess!" Jonesy: "Is break time over?" Joanie: "Don't worry. As long as we're only three minutes late from a break, no one can say anything, but it adds to a whole day of paid vacation every year!" Jonesy: "Oh, man, that is genius! Huh, Nikki?" and Joanie walk away. Nikki: "Jonesy, didn't you forget something?" purses her lips for a kiss. Jonesy: "Oh yeah." comes back and grabs his soda. "Bye everybody." Caitlin: "Ahem! We saw Courtney!" Nikki: "Ugh!" gets up and stomps away. Caitlin: Wyatt "I tried." ---- is playing a game when Joanie sets a box on the counter. Jonesy: "What's that for?" Joanie: "It's a donation box to help the hungry." Jonesy: "Who's hungry?" Joanie: "Me. Wasn't I cute?" looks at the old picture of Joanie on the box. Jonesy: "Isn't that, like, wrong or something?" Joanie: "Jonesy, Jonesy, Jonesy. People don't make donations to help the poor and hungry. They do it to make themselves feel better. And for the tax write-off." an old lady "Donate a dollar for the hungry?" old woman drops a coin in the box and moves off. "Score! Curly fries, here we come!" Jonesy: "You're my hero." ---- Halder is interviewing Jude. Coach Halder: "So, Masterson tells me you want to play on the Penalty Box team." Jude: "Yes sir, Coach dude!" Coach Halder: up his hand "Quick, how many fingers?" Jude: "Uh...four?" Jen: whispering "No, five!" Coach Halder: "That's right, son! Four fingers, one thumb! Most morons would have answered five. You, me, and Masterson are in a boat. We need to lighten the load if we're gonna win the race. Quick, who do you throw overboard?" Jude: "Her?" Jen: "What?!?" Jude: "Jen's the best swimmer." Jen: flattered "That is true." Coach Halder: "I'd sink like a stone! Nice. You're hired!" Jude: "Sweet! I'm hired!" hi-fives Jen. ---- and Joanie are at Wonder Taco. Joanie: "Four orders of spicy curly fries, please." dumps some money out of the box onto the counter. "I know this looks bad, but the fundraisers have to eat too." Julie: "Uh-huh." goes off and gets them their food. Jonesy: "I bet I can eat these in five seconds or under." Joanie: "No way. I'll take that action. Let the fry-off begin!" ---- and Caitlin are walking through the mall. Suddenly, Caitlin stops. Caitlin: "Wyatt, look!" feeds Jonesy a curly fry. "Did you see that? Joanie's feeding Jonesy curly fries!" Wyatt: "Maybe Jonesy's just really hungry?" doesn't comment. "I tried." ---- walks up to Jude, who is counting bras. Jen: "Inventory sucks." Jude: "No, bra, I love it. Kind of like guided meditation." counting "One sports bra, two sports bras, three sports bras–" Jen: "Just stay out of Coach's way. He bites." Jude: "No problema, amiga." and Caitlin run into the store. Caitlin: "Jen! We have a total emergency!" Jen: "Bigger than that pile of sports bras Jude is counting?" Caitlin: "Way bigger." pulls Jen out of the store. ---- party has moved to the Khaki Barn. Caitlin: "Maybe you should take a seat first, Nikki." Nikki: "Caitlin, I'm busy. I don't have time for this." store is empty of all save Wyatt, Nikki, Jen, and Caitlin. Nikki: "Fine. So I'm not busy. Can you make it quick anyway?" Caitlin: "Brace yourself. Joanie was feeding Jonesy curly fries." Nikki: "And?" Jen: "Aw, Nikki! If you need a hug–" Nikki: "I don't need a hug! Why should I care if Joanie gave Jonesy something to eat?" Jen: "Let her hear it, Caitlin." pulls out her cell phone and shows Nikki an animation of a girl feeding a guy and having him fall in love with her. Animation: "The way to a boy's heart is through his stomach." Nikki: "What was that?" Caitlin: "Girl Talk podcast. Never miss it." Nikki: "Uh, I refuse to take dating advice from some stupid cell phone." snatches it away from Caitlin. Caitlin: "Hey! That's my stupid cell phone!" ---- skaters ride through the Penalty Box, off a ramp, and back out again. Skater #1: Jude "Wicked." Skater #2: Jude "Yo." Skater #3: Jude "Dude." Jen: the ramp "Jude! Where did that come from?" Jude: "I had to take the boxes out of the stockroom to count them. And, a ramp was born." Jen: "We gotta get rid of this right away!" skaters come through again. Coach Halder: "Why are there so many little punks in my store?" the ramp "What is that?!?" Skater #3: "Your store rocks, coach dude." buys a skateboard and walks away. Coach Halder: the bills "Ah, the sweet smell of profit! I can't remember the last time Masterson hit a home run like this! How'd you like to join our sales team, Jude?" Jen: shocked "What?!?" Jude: "Store's got a harsh vibe, dude. Not sure if it's really my scene." Coach Halder: "Then make it your scene! Lace up your skates, boy, 'cause you're my new right-winger!" gapes. ---- long line of customers is waiting to get service at the travel agency. Jonesy: a game against Joanie "Your king is dead and your village is in ruins! Surrender, foe!" Joanie: "Whatever, dork. You think you can defeat me that easily?" Jonesy: "Aw, man. How'd your army get so big so fast?" Sophisticated Man: "Ahem. Do you have any tickets for the Museum of Civilization?" Joanie: "No, but I just plunged his civilization back into the Dark Ages! Now what do you say?" Jonesy: "Congratulations, Joanie. You are now the builder of civilizations." Joanie: with him "You're a disgrace to the Jonesmiester name!" and Joanie laugh as they wrestle. After some time, they settle down, looking romantic. Nikki and Caitlin come by. Caitlin: "Can I please have my cell phone back?" Nikki: "Only if you promise to stop talking about Joanie and Jonesy." Caitlin: "I won't bring it up again, swear!" look towards the agency booth and see Jonesy and Joanie wrestling. Nikki gapes in astonishment. ---- while later, Jonesy is still trying his moves on her. Jonesy: "I call this move 'The Jaws of Jonesy!'" teenage guy walks past. Joanie: "Whoa. Dude is cute. Think you could let me go?" lets go of Joanie. Joanie takes out a five dollar bill and walks over to the guy. Joanie: "Excuse me. I think you dropped five bucks." teenager shakes his head no. "Oh, it's not yours? Then how about I use it to buy you a coffee?" Jonesy: watching "Girl has some slick moves." ---- of people are in the Penalty Box drinking energy drinks. Jen is serving them. Jen: "Would you like some energy drink, ma'am?" pours one. "How about you, sir, energy drink?" pours one. "Ugh, I can't believe stupid Coach listened to stupid Jude! I have better things to do than serving people!" Coach Halder: "Boy, this store has never been busier! I nominate Jude for MVP!" Jen: a spittake "WHAT?!? But it's his first week! I've never been the Most Valuable Player!" Coach Halder: "You call that team spirit, Masterson? Just look at the customers Jude brought in!" Jen: "Customers buy things! These people are just here for the free drinks!" Coach Halder: "Well, you just can't put a price on karma. Jude told me that." skates up to them. Jen: "Jude, skateboarding's forbidden in the store!" Coach Halder: "Jude says it helps him think. What have you got for me now, Lizowski?" thinks. Jen: "Don't hurt yourself!!!" Jude: haltingly "I think the store needs some lava lamps." Coach Halder: "Love it! Masterson, why didn't you think of lava lamps?" Jen: "Because this is a sporting goods store?" Coach Halder: "You're not thinking outside the Penalty Box! Five-minute foul!" sighs and heads over to the box to take her penalty. Nikki and Caitlin walk in. Nikki: "This can't be happening!" Jen: "I know! Coach has lost his mind! He loves every one of Jude's crazy, skateboard inspired ideas!" Caitlin: "Nikki's talking about Jonesy and Joanie. We saw them hugging." gasps. Jen: breathless "Hugging? Are you sure?" Nikki: "They were like this!" demonstrates on Crusher. Crusher: "Well hello, beautiful." Nikki: him away "Uh, I don't think so." her friends "What if Jonesy has fallen for her? I guess some guys might find her sort of cute." Caitlin: "More like gorgeous! And they have so much in common! They're practically two peas in a pod!" notices the look on Nikki's face. "I'm just gonna stop talking now." Jen: "Wait, slow down, Nikki. Have you even asked Jonesy what's going on?" Nikki: "No." sighs. "Guess I owe the lunkhead that much. We're supposed to catch a movie in an hour. I'll talk to him them." loudspeakers in the Penalty Box crackle. Suddenly, whalesong begins to drift over the speakers. Jen: "They're playing–whale music?" ---- walks into the Gigantoplex and sees Jonesy standing in line–with Joanie. Nikki: "Jonesy, I thought we were going to see a movie." Jonesy: "We are, Joanie's gonna join, cool?" looks at them for a moment. Nikki: "Ha! The more the merrier!" ---- three are watching the movie. Jonesy and Joanie are enjoying themselves; Nikki is not. Jonesy: some popcorn "Man, are those people ever stupid!" Joanie: some popcorn "The monster who smelt it, dealt it!" Nikki: "Um, guys? You're getting popcorn all over me." Jonesy: "Okay, I'll hold it." Joanie: on the popcorn bag "Jonesy, quit hogging the corn." Jonesy: "Sorry. Can you still see, Nikki?" Nikki: blocked by the popcorn bag "Oh, totally. Why don't we just get another tub of popcorn?" Jonesy: "Because Miss Charity Donation Box there wasted her time on German tourists! What are we gonna do with deutschemarks?" Nikki: "Huh?" Joanie: "I don't discriminate. I'm an equal-opportunity scammer. Plus, I've always wanted to go to Berlin." Jonesy: "They have the best industrial German music." Joanie: "Over there, they just call it music." Nikki: annoyed "Last week, you didn't even know where Germany was." Jonesy: "Joanie schooled me." Joanie: "Someone has to educate." Nikki "Sorry." Nikki: irritated "I'm going to get some jujubes." Jonesy: "Make that two." Nikki: "Excuse me?" Jonesy: "Right, sorry, make that three. Don't want to leave out Joanie." Nikki: annoyed "Perish the thought." ---- movie ends, and Jonesy and Joanie walk out into the theater lobby. Joanie: "Thanks for the laughs, Jonesmiester. See you at work." walks away. Jonesy: "Later." around for his girlfriend "Nikki?" ---- lamps have been placed in a circle. Jen, Jude, and Coach Halder are sitting on yoga mats in the center of the circle. Jude: "It's called the art of soft sell, dude." Jen: "The soft sell?" Jude: "If you merch it, they will come." Coach Halder: "Can I still threaten them if they can't make up their minds?" Jude: "No, dude. Love conquers all." Jen: "But what if you haven't made your sales quota? You can't just stand there." Coach Halder: "Masterson! Keep your helmet on! I want to try this soft sell thing." Halder walks over to a police officer who is looking around. He grins at her awkwardly, and she walks away from him. Coach Halder comes back to his employees. Coach Halder: "Even though she didn't buy anything, I like how it makes me feel. Sort of like a–a big–uh, fuzzy penguin or something." Jude: bowing "You're on your way, dude." Coach Halder: bowing "Thanks. Dude." Jen: "Uch!" ---- is talking to her friends by the Big Squeeze. Nikki: "I got tired of watching them bond, so I bailed in the middle of the movie." Caitlin: "I can't believe Jonesy would do that. No more lemonade for him!" Jen: "Guys can be such jerks sometimes!" Wyatt: "Joanie's ssoooooo hot!" friends look at him awkwardly. Wyatt: "I just realized I'm the only guy at this table." Nikki: "I appreciate the support guys, or rather girls, but this is between me and Jonesy." Jonesy: up to the table "Hey guys! Hi Nikki." Nikki: up "I gotta get to work." leaves. Jonesy: her go "What's her problem?" Jen: "What's her problem? What is your problem! How could you do that to Nikki?" Jonesy: "Is this about the extra butter on the popcorn? I know how Nikki hates that." Caitlin: "We saw you hugging Joanie." Wyatt: "And feeding her curly fries." Jonesy: "Wait. You guys don't think I like Joanie?" Jen: "I can't talk to you right now." leaves. Wyatt: as he leaves "Say hi to Joanie for me, since I obviously can't." Caitlin: "I have nowhere to go, but I'm still leaving!" closes the Big Squeeze and leaves. Jonesy: "Guys, lemme explain!" around "Fine. I don't need any of you. I'm a lone wolf! I am an island!" ---- is despondently sitting around at work when Joanie pulls a prank on him. Joanie laughs. Jonesy doesn't join in. Joanie: "It's no fun when you don't react. Who put salt in your sugar shaker?" Jonesy: "Nikki thinks we have a thing." Joanie: laughing "You've got to be kidding. Us? No way." Jonesy: "Dude, I know! I mean, I realize it's difficult to resist my natural charms and good looks." Joanie: "I've always been more of a guys' girl. But I do know a thing or two about women. Show Nikki how much she means to you, and she'll be putty in your hands." Jonesy: energized "Hey! Did we ever get those tickets for that museum thing? Nikki loves museums!" Joanie: "How should I know?" Jonesy: "Right. I'll check it out myself. Thanks, Jonesmiester." Joanie: "Anytime, Jonesmiester." bump fists, wiggle fingers, and bump elbows before Jonesy gets to work on trying to find the tickets. ---- Penalty Box is totally Zenned out. Even Coach Halder is wearing a tie-dye shirt. Coach Halder: "Oh, this can't be! Maybe if I carry the zero." scribbles on his clipboard. "No." Jen: "Face it, Coach! The sales figures are terrible! We haven't sold a thing all week!" Jude: "Go with the flow, Coach." Jen: "Flow? Ahh!" Jen's thoughts: I gotta do something. Before we're all out of a job. gets an idea. She pops a gumball into her mouth and blows a bubble that pops just as Coach Halder is starting to relax. Coach Halder: "What was that? Gum? I hate gum!" Jen: "Little offside gum chewing, Coach. Not a big deal. Just go with the flow, right?" blows a bubble and lets it pop. Coach Halder: down a bit "May the sales force be with you." walks away. Jen: angry "I have only begun to fight." ---- is with the Clones inside the Khaki Barn. Kirsten: "We're like, sorry about your messed-up love life, Nikki–" Chrissy: "We are?" Kirsten: "If you wanna cry, we won't take pictures for our blog." Clones titter. Nikki: "Leave now, or I force-feed you garbage." Kirsten: "Last time we try to be nice." walk away. Jonesy holds two pieces of paper out to Nikki. Nikki: "Khaki Barn reserves the right to reserve service to jerks." Jonesy: "Aren't you even gonna look at the tickets?" Nikki: "I couldn't care l–" gasps. "You got tickets for the new exhibition? I've been dying to see it!" cynical "Wait. How did you know?" Jonesy: to his ears "These babies actually work, you know." Nikki: "I don't know, Jonesy. You like spitballs, belching, and–well, I don't. Maybe you should be with someone like Joanie." laughs. Jonesy: "That would be like dating myself. And I already spend too much time with me as it is! I like that when I'm with you, I don't have to start all my stories at the beginning." Nikki: "Um, that was the sappiest thing I've ever heard. Thanks." kisses Nikki. ---- and Jonesy walk past the Penalty Box. Jen watches them jealously. Jen: "At least one thing is back to normal." Halder is playing with some windchimes. Jen walks up behind him and pops her gum. Jen: "You okay, Coach?" Coach Halder: stressed "Never been more chill." Jen: "So you don't mind that my socks don't match." Halder takes a look. Coach Halder: twitching "No–problema–amiga." Jen: "Oh, look. A chocolate stain on my Penalty Box jersey. No biggie, right?" Coach Halder: hyperventilating "I accept the path of love." Jen: "You're gonna let me get away with that? That's it! I give up!" bumps into Jude. "Oof!" Jude: "Whoa!" pitcher of energy drink that Jude is drinking flies into the air and lands on the head of a mannequin, causing it to fall into a pyramid of basketballs that avalanche, crashing into a ski display and a tennis ball display. The tennis balls pop out of their tins and bounce around the store, adding to the chaos. Eventually, everything stops. Coach Halder's face turns red. Coach Halder: "MMMMAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSSOOOONNN!!!!" charge "Spit out the gum change that jersey match your socks clean up this mess. Jude, you're fired." Jen: her boss "Thank you! Thank you! Oh, and Jude, no hard feelings." Jude: "About what, bra?" Jen: "Aw, thanks!" Jude: "No, seriously, about what?" Coach Halder: "Masterson! I can't believe you let me hire this lunkhead! Red card! You're on probation!" Halder and Jude leave. Jen's shoulders sag. Jen: depressed "I. Give. Up." Category:Season 3